My friend

You know those people who know everyone, have offers for things to do all the time, and are generally the center of the party wherever they are.  I'm not one of those people, as a matter of fact, I'm pretty much the polar opposite of that.  I tend to make really deep connections with people, and save my 'friend' energy for a very small number of people.  I have been truly blessed with a few VERY close friends.  I was thinking of them last night, and I'm in awe of what an eclectic group I've put together.  I was daydreaming (at night) about what would happen if they were all in the same room at the same time.
One of those friends is more of the first type of person I described.  She would be the one in the room that introduced herself to everyone, and would find something in common with everyone (which I assure you would be no easy task).  She makes friends easily, she very outspoken and well-liked, she has a fantastic strong personality, and she fights for what she believes in.  Honestly, that's how we became friends.  She is a really amazing woman, and one I very much strive to be like (not so much the social butterfly part, but the assertive, won't take no for an answer part).

She has had a lot of pain and trauma in her life.  She is definitely a survivor and not a victim, though, and has used that pain to better the community in which she lives.  I wish I could write well enough to make you like her as much as I know you'd like her if you met her, but I know I can't capture her charisma in words.  You really have to be around her.  Why do I care if you like her?  Because she's in pain, and I want people to care about others who are in pain.

She is currently in a hospital.  She's the talk of the town.  If she had been diagnosed with diabetes, or a heart condition, or cancer, people would be pulling together for her and praying for her recovery.  She wasn't, though.  She is in a mental hospital.  She had a psychotic episode, and she was involuntarily committed.  She's not some crazy person that we must be afraid of.  She's a mom, a friend, a daughter, a wife, a community activist.  She works, she's super smart, she's AN ASSET TO THE COMMUNITY.  But, is the community pulling together for her and praying for her recovery?  Nope.  They are trash-talking her.  It pisses me off.  The stigma of mental illness has long-been a sore point with me. 

That stigma is one of the reasons people don't reach out when they are feeling pain.  They don't want people to think they are crazy or unsafe.  Unlike diabetes or heart disease or cancer, mental disorders are (at least initially) easier to hide.  Lots of people think any mental 'issue' is a sign of weakness. 

People, we have to spread the word that mental health is no different than physical health. Seriously, why is a hormonal imbalance in the brain any different than that of the pancreas?   (I know I only have one reader, and she happens to be in the mental health biz, but I'm on a soap box and I'm not getting down just yet.)  We have to break down this stigma.  We have to care about people in pain.  Untreated mental illness can be a fatal disease, let's start taking it seriously, and stop blaming those afflicted.

Effing Perfect

First, I'd like to say that I think blogger should come up with technology to automatically post what I write in my head as I try to fall asleep at night.  That, my friend, would be awesome.

So, I'm on yet another weight loss journey, and I do know part of my problem.  Part of my problem is that I want to perfect.  Now, I'm sure you are wondering how this could be for someone who is at least 100 pounds (and actually more) overweight.  Well, it's because of this all-or-nothing thinking I've got.  One of my best friends is in the mental health biz, and she says flexible thinking is hallmark to mental health.  Well, I hate to say it, but it's really a weak area for me.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be extraordinary.  I remember wanting those silly grade-level workbooks for Christmas and my birthday, and I wanted to be working on one that was AT LEAST 2 grade levels higher than my current grade.  Honestly, intellectually, I was probably a B-student, but mentally, I pushed myself to being a (near) straight A student.  Unfortunately, this carried on into adulthood.

One of my proudest moments was in nursing school during a student-teacher conference.  The nursing instructors met with each student individually to discuss their progress, grades, and general issues.  I will say I went to a school known to be one of (if not THE) most difficult program in the state, mostly because I'm totally bragging right now, so why not go all out?  Anyway, my instructors said this to me:  "Michelle, we are in a peculiar situation with you.  We've never had this happen before.  You currently have a 104%."  The class average was around 80% (which was required for passing, so most conversations (I was later told by my peers) were more like 'you have an 80%, it's critical you really buckle down so you can pass this class/program'.

Why does that matter?  Am I any more of a nurse because I was able to maintain a high percentage?  Absolutely not, so why do I strive for this? 

So, how does this relate to weight loss?  Well, I think I have eluded to this before, but it's because if I don't try, then I can't fail.  I stumbled on to this insight last night, but now, what do I do with it?  Well, my plan is to give myself very small goals (which, coincidentally, also decreases the chances of failure). 

My goal is to lose 50 pounds in the next year, or 4 pounds a month.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know this is what is recommended on all the commercials, but my DOCTOR even said if you have 100+ pounds to lose it's ok to lose even 15-20 pounds a month.  (As you can imagine, when she told me that, it became my goal).  But, I'm throwing all of that out, and concentrating on baby steps.

What's my motivation?  A new start 10 months from now.