The problem with perfection

The problem with perfection is that no one is perfect.  Perfectionists don't realize this.  I know because I am one.  So, when someone points out a flaw in myself or in my work or in my child it really, really bothers me.  Like, it shakes me to the core.  I do everything in what I believe to be a perfect manner.  I can't wrap my mind around the concept of good enough.

Funny thing, though...I don't want my kiddo to be perfect or to think she is or to strive to be.  I don't want her to aspire to some unattainable goal.  Even funnier thing, I, being the paradox that I am, have a great deal of difficulty when she isn't.  I have to make a conscious effort to relax when things aren't perfect.

Another funny thing...in our relationships, we aren't perfect either.  I accepted that I'm not a perfect parent a long time ago.  I accepted that there is a good enough in parenting--it's called unconditional love.  Because I love her unconditionally, she forgives me when I'm less than perfect.  She's really good at forgiveness.  She doesn't even have to think about it. 

But,  in our adult relationships, it's a lot harder.  I actually believed (until recently) that I was a pretty perfect wife.  I mean, the house is always a mess and the laundry is never caught up, but I don't really consider that part of being a wife.  I'm referring to the part where you stand by your spouse, love them,  do all the rest of the stuff you promised in your vows (I didn't do 'traditional' vows FYI) and take care of your child or children. 

What I didn't do is stand back and see how that might look from the other side.  While I was busy caring for our child (perfectly), I wasn't communicating with my spouse about what we had planned that day.  I know everyone's schedule, but didn't make an effort to make sure anyone else knew what was going on.  What does all this mean to my spouse?  He feels left out...mostly because he HAS been.  Some of it is no one's fault, but some of it is my fault...and of course, some of it is his too.

And that's the problem with perfection.  Everyone has faults and makes mistakes, no matter how hard you try.  And hopefully, in those adult relationships, that unconditional love factors into the equation as well.  And when we're too busy being perfect, the other person is busy being forgiving.

My friend

You know those people who know everyone, have offers for things to do all the time, and are generally the center of the party wherever they are.  I'm not one of those people, as a matter of fact, I'm pretty much the polar opposite of that.  I tend to make really deep connections with people, and save my 'friend' energy for a very small number of people.  I have been truly blessed with a few VERY close friends.  I was thinking of them last night, and I'm in awe of what an eclectic group I've put together.  I was daydreaming (at night) about what would happen if they were all in the same room at the same time.
One of those friends is more of the first type of person I described.  She would be the one in the room that introduced herself to everyone, and would find something in common with everyone (which I assure you would be no easy task).  She makes friends easily, she very outspoken and well-liked, she has a fantastic strong personality, and she fights for what she believes in.  Honestly, that's how we became friends.  She is a really amazing woman, and one I very much strive to be like (not so much the social butterfly part, but the assertive, won't take no for an answer part).

She has had a lot of pain and trauma in her life.  She is definitely a survivor and not a victim, though, and has used that pain to better the community in which she lives.  I wish I could write well enough to make you like her as much as I know you'd like her if you met her, but I know I can't capture her charisma in words.  You really have to be around her.  Why do I care if you like her?  Because she's in pain, and I want people to care about others who are in pain.

She is currently in a hospital.  She's the talk of the town.  If she had been diagnosed with diabetes, or a heart condition, or cancer, people would be pulling together for her and praying for her recovery.  She wasn't, though.  She is in a mental hospital.  She had a psychotic episode, and she was involuntarily committed.  She's not some crazy person that we must be afraid of.  She's a mom, a friend, a daughter, a wife, a community activist.  She works, she's super smart, she's AN ASSET TO THE COMMUNITY.  But, is the community pulling together for her and praying for her recovery?  Nope.  They are trash-talking her.  It pisses me off.  The stigma of mental illness has long-been a sore point with me. 

That stigma is one of the reasons people don't reach out when they are feeling pain.  They don't want people to think they are crazy or unsafe.  Unlike diabetes or heart disease or cancer, mental disorders are (at least initially) easier to hide.  Lots of people think any mental 'issue' is a sign of weakness. 

People, we have to spread the word that mental health is no different than physical health. Seriously, why is a hormonal imbalance in the brain any different than that of the pancreas?   (I know I only have one reader, and she happens to be in the mental health biz, but I'm on a soap box and I'm not getting down just yet.)  We have to break down this stigma.  We have to care about people in pain.  Untreated mental illness can be a fatal disease, let's start taking it seriously, and stop blaming those afflicted.

Effing Perfect

First, I'd like to say that I think blogger should come up with technology to automatically post what I write in my head as I try to fall asleep at night.  That, my friend, would be awesome.

So, I'm on yet another weight loss journey, and I do know part of my problem.  Part of my problem is that I want to perfect.  Now, I'm sure you are wondering how this could be for someone who is at least 100 pounds (and actually more) overweight.  Well, it's because of this all-or-nothing thinking I've got.  One of my best friends is in the mental health biz, and she says flexible thinking is hallmark to mental health.  Well, I hate to say it, but it's really a weak area for me.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be extraordinary.  I remember wanting those silly grade-level workbooks for Christmas and my birthday, and I wanted to be working on one that was AT LEAST 2 grade levels higher than my current grade.  Honestly, intellectually, I was probably a B-student, but mentally, I pushed myself to being a (near) straight A student.  Unfortunately, this carried on into adulthood.

One of my proudest moments was in nursing school during a student-teacher conference.  The nursing instructors met with each student individually to discuss their progress, grades, and general issues.  I will say I went to a school known to be one of (if not THE) most difficult program in the state, mostly because I'm totally bragging right now, so why not go all out?  Anyway, my instructors said this to me:  "Michelle, we are in a peculiar situation with you.  We've never had this happen before.  You currently have a 104%."  The class average was around 80% (which was required for passing, so most conversations (I was later told by my peers) were more like 'you have an 80%, it's critical you really buckle down so you can pass this class/program'.

Why does that matter?  Am I any more of a nurse because I was able to maintain a high percentage?  Absolutely not, so why do I strive for this? 

So, how does this relate to weight loss?  Well, I think I have eluded to this before, but it's because if I don't try, then I can't fail.  I stumbled on to this insight last night, but now, what do I do with it?  Well, my plan is to give myself very small goals (which, coincidentally, also decreases the chances of failure). 

My goal is to lose 50 pounds in the next year, or 4 pounds a month.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know this is what is recommended on all the commercials, but my DOCTOR even said if you have 100+ pounds to lose it's ok to lose even 15-20 pounds a month.  (As you can imagine, when she told me that, it became my goal).  But, I'm throwing all of that out, and concentrating on baby steps.

What's my motivation?  A new start 10 months from now.

See, I told ya

Ok, so here's a brief update...so far, I haven't been able to locate a pedometer to determine my "basal" number of steps per day.  BUT, I did make a conscience effort to walk more on Thursday.  AND, we went out to eat last night and I purposely left some food on my plate.  I don't know if it was quite 25%, but I know it was at least 10%.  Baby steps, my friends, baby steps....

Third time's a charm

Ok…it’s been another year since I’ve last written.  I’d be a crappy pen pal.  Do kids even have pen pals any more?  Ah, I digress.  Back to the topic at hand.  I have decided to start this up once again.  We’ll see if we can break my old record of one consecutive entry…

I’ve confessed this is more of a journal than a blog.  So, what’s currently troubling me?  My weight.  I hope to process some of my thoughts/feelings/emotions/etc through this medium and see where it takes me.

Some believe people pack on the pounds in an effort to bury emotions.  I don’t completely buy that.  I think there is a definite emotional component, but, at least in my case, that’s not the full problem.  Not that I think there is just one root to this complex issue, but I do think there are major players and minor ones.

I really believe that a large part of my problem is simply what and how I was taught to eat.  Not just the kinds of foods, but also the amounts.  To be completely honest, I don’t eat a lot of bad foods (unless I have PMS, then all bets are off).  I do eat too much.  I like the flavors of food, and I don’t know when to stop.  I routinely eat until I am overly full and miserable.  That is ridiculous!  What’s even more ridiculous is that I’ve taught all these bad habits to my daughter, who now also struggles with her weight. 

Shame.

I think “the others” (aka people who don’t struggle with their weights) think “we” (those of us who do struggle with our weights) are ashamed because of the way we look.  For me, it’s not how I look at all.  I honestly don’t give a darn about how I look.  But, I am ashamed.  What shames me the most is being a poor role model for my daughter.  She’s young enough that I’m the one responsible for her weight, activity level, etc.  I’ve failed her.

I also feel shame because I think of myself as a role model for the children I work with every day.  How can people (kids or adults) take me seriously about health when my own is so VISUALLY out of control?  I don’t think I’m as unhealthy as I look (based on weight alone), but I do think others might be inclined to think so.

Finally, I feel shame because I know there are things I don’t do because of my weight.  I don’t believe in myself like I once did.  I don’t worry as much about this for me as I should, but I do worry about it with my daughter.  I don’t want her to feel like she isn’t worth doing whatever her heart desires.  I used to feel as if I were, but that has died somewhat.

The Plan.

I’m a thinker, I always mull things over and think and rethink and rethink.  I’m a reasonably intelligent individual, so it’s not like I can’t figure this out.  Here’s my plan.

I recently read about the Step Diet.  It’s not really a diet, which might be why I kind of dig it.  Basically you walk (which should be easy, but I hate it) and cut down portions size.  Let’s face it folks, losing weight isn’t rocket science.  It’s simple mathematics (which happens to be a subject I’m pretty good at).  You have to burn more calories than you eat. 

So, you start with a pedometer, and you see how many steps you take in a “normal” day.  I’ll admit, this is a scary thought.  I’m pretty sure I’m going to be appalled at how little activity I do in a day.  Then, you add 500 steps to that (or a minimum of 2,000) each week until you’ve worked up to the magical 10,000 steps.  This is all while you cut your portions.  The goal is to cut portions by 25%, according to webmd.  So, I’m not sure if you are supposed to do this visually, or weigh things or what.  I’m going to use the cognitive/visual approach.  I think I can figure out what is 25%, and just be smarter about what I eat.  For example, today we ate lunch at a buffet and I didn’t get seconds.  WHOA!  How’s that for willpower.

Ok, that’s all for now.  Expect regular updates….no really, I’m gonna do it this time.

Mammary glands and brain cells

An ancient post....from 4 years ago (aka the first time I decided I'd be a blogger)

No, I'm not some freak who lives in a tiny bubble isolated from the outside world....I'm just a busy mom who doesn't get out enough. I never really thought of blogging as my thing, but every time I read my friend's blog it makes me want to write. So, I thought I would give it a shot.

I think blogging appeals to me for a few reasons...first, I have to take the time to sit by myself and complete a thought. See, I have a three year old, and I don't get that opportunity often. Most thoughts are interrupted far too early to even really be considered a thought.

Darn...a perfect example. I know I had thought of a few reasons blogging appealed to me, but now I can only remember one.

On to my topic of the day...breastfeeding. No, I am not breastfeeding my three year old. The reason I bring up breast feeding is because my friend and I have a theory. Breastfeeding kills brain cells. Let me tell you how we have come to this conclusion.

We both considered ourselves as relatively intelligent people..notice the past tense? That was prior to having children. Now, we can't complete thoughts (even when we are given the chance, as I've already proven). When I talk to my friends without kids on the telephone I know they think to themselves, "What happened to Shell? She used to be rather engaging and witty...now she can't even speak in full sentences."

Ok, so maybe engaging and witty is taking it a little far, but I could speak in complete sentences...

Now, for all of you La Leche members out there...I'm not saying it's bad to breastfeed...I just think everyone should be aware of the side effects :)

A little about me

I have wanted to start a blog for awhile now, but never had the courage.  Why, you may ask?  Well, for starters, look at the title of this blog...Random thoughts from a random gal?  Seriously?  There are probably 5.2 million similar titles on blogger.com alone.  I want to be creative and witty, but it doesn't always work out that way.  I guess I'll be honest, this is more of a journal than a blog, or at least that's what it is starting as. 

I will write about what is important to me at that very moment.  Those of you that know me personally are probably a little scared by this...you know my train of thought can jump from poodles to penicillin in no time at all.  What's even scarier is that I will even explain how I made that jump if you so desire.  Trust me, you don't desire.

So, my blog will be comprised of random thoughts and commentary on whatever is on my mind at that moment.  My hope is that I will say something worthwhile to you at some point along the way.  And maybe along the way I will discover that my thoughts aren't so random after all, and I can think of a suitable (creative, witty, original) title for this thing :)